Spottedbrain
by StupidSequel
Summary: A documentary that explores how important Spottedleaf really is to the warrior Clans. We see a side of her that the books never bothered to explore as well as a parody of how annoying she is. For Spottedleaf haters. Show this to one of the Erins, please.


**Spottedbrain**

**(AN: This fanfic is a documentary about everyone's favorite Mary Sue cat Spottedleaf. This fanfic was written as a direct response to her annoying sue-ish roles in Dawn, SkyClan's Destiny, and Firestar's Quest especially. Any others I'm forgetting? The movie version of this would have the same guy who does the voice of Elmo from Sesame Street as Spottedleaf's voice. After I write this, maybe I'll finally be unlazy enough to continue my Series of Unfortunate events crack. After that, then what? Maybe Anastasia 2? Or Metroid? Audino.)**

**One more thing: The events are not necessarily in chronological order. In fact, Spottedleaf is so much of a Sue, she can time travel.**

"Hi, everybody, whom I love so very much. I am Spottedleaf, and I love you all as much as Barney the purple dinosaur does. Post death was my favorite time of my life. Since I no longer have to worry about medicine cat duties ever again now that I am a StarClan cat, I can use my ghost body to mate with Firestar. He will be cheating on Sandstorm and not even know. Look, I can turn my sweet scent on and off like a faucet. Okay, enough messing around.

"The reason I am doing this documentary is so that you viewers, er, readers, can see the real me: a sue cat who literally does nothing but whisper in living cats' ears the exact instructions to perform various dangerous tasks as well as doing all of their thinking for them to the point of being a second brain. Hold on. I see Leafpaw. I know that Leafpaw is destined to become a medicine cat, so what do I do? Watch and see." Leafpaw needed to help another cat with a wound. She was clearly distressed and frustrated. She had no idea what to do.

"Hey, Leafpaw. Here's some burdock and borage. Go ahead. Use your knowledge that I whispered in your cute little ear." Leafpaw nodded in agreement and used the herbs Spottedleaf game her. The injured or sick cat was beginning to feel better.

"Thank you, Spottedleaf. You're a true friend. I'm gonna be a medicine cat because of you," Leafpaw almost sang. Spottedleaf's tail shot straight up, like the antenna on the back of a remote control toy car. Spottedleaf spent the next few moons flying all over the skies looking for cats that are the slightest bit not feeling perfect. If there were any such cats, it was her job to make the situation perfect, a deus ex meow-ina.

"I better follow the cats on the Great Journey to make sure they are all alright for the entire way cuz conflict will give readers a heart attack, so I'd better make sure there's absolutely no conflict." She turned her scent off and followed them. When they got to the mountains, one of the cats was teetering on the edge about to fall.

"Oh my Me, he's about to fall." Spottedleaf gasped. The brown kitty fell down the mountain (cue cartoon stock sound effect of falling, followed by a Loony Tunes style crash sound, ending with that one set of four notes.) "Okay, bee are bee. I'm just gonna take a look at that wound." She traveled to the bottom of the cliff.

"Hey there, Smokepaw. Oh Noez, you're dead! Me dammit for not getting there quick enough!" She uttered some kind of magical spell. Smokepaw was revived. "You're alive again now. Now go back to your Clan." Spottedleaf then turned her face toward the camera. "That never happened," she barked. "That was a demo. Oh yeah, in case you're not aware, I bring dead cats back to life all the time. The Erins never write anyone back to life by mistake, ever! Watch, I'll prove it to you in a moment." Sometime after the cats arrived at the lake, Spottedleaf turned off her scent and hovered near Leafpool all the time and everytime Leafpool couldn't decide something for herself, well, that's what Spottedleaf was for. She would decide everything for Leafpool.

"Yes, I am omnipotent. I know everything about everything. I know when the world is gonna end, but it will be kept secret until the title of the sixth Omen of the Stars book comes out. I also know how to divide by zero, but don't ask. The present Clans cannot decide anything for themselves, so I'm here to do all their thinking for them. They respond by thanking me and calling me a true friend." Leafpool was searching for catmint because Heavystep was heavily sick with greencough. But she was too late. Heavystep was dead. Guess where this is going. C'mon, just take a guess. Spottedleaf padded over to where Heavystep's remains lay.

"Now you can live again," Spottedleaf whispered in Heavystep's ear. And with that, he was instantly revived. "You have a destiny to fulfill. Your destiny is to flatten your ears in disapproval at Hollypaw."

"Did you all know that I can also time travel?" Spottedleaf went back to the beginning of the four Clans and created River, Shadow, Sky, Thunder, and Wind. "Now go create the four Clans," she whispered to them.

When Firestar and Sandstorm went on their big journey to rebuild SkyClan, Spottedleaf nestled inside Firestar's brain and made him do the things he did in the book. Why does he ever worry about getting hurt or killed when Spottedleaf is here to make anything dangerous go away permanently?

She then went over to SkyClan since she remembered that she had been there before and she found out that Leafstar had forgotten EVERYTHING about becoming a Clan leader. Spottedleaf nestled inside Leafstar's cranium and began to possess her. She was now in full control of Leafstar's body. "Now I can MAKE her be a good Clan leader, and no effort at all is required from her. Now, SEIZE THE MOMENT! DON'T LET IT GET AWAY!"

Spottedleaf was eavesdropping on Leafstar telling Echosong about a dream where a cat told her the repetitive prophecy that 'this is the leaf bare of my Clan. Greenleaf will come, but it will bring greater storms than these. SkyClan must grow deeper roots if it is meant to survive.' Pssssh. With Spottedleaf around, there are no storms at all.

"Yeah. When a thunderstorm comes, I use my awesome kitteh magic to dissipate it!"

And last but not least...

This is how the Final Battle between the Dark Forest cats and the StarClan cats goes:

"Oh crap, the Three are dead, and so is Firestar! Whatever will we do?" Graystripe wailed. Spottedleaf knew she had to take matters into her own paws. She went alone up to the ranks of the Dark Forest cats and delivered a single blow. The entire Dark Forest army went down in an instant. And you thought Lionblaze was a Chuck Norris cat.

"GO TO HELL, DARK FOREST CATS! OH WAIT, YOU ALREADY DID!" Spottedleaf caterwauled.

"So it's thanks to me that no Clan ever has problems anymore, ever. I am the Alpha and the Omega. Without me, no cat would ever make any decisions at all, for I make all their decisions for them. Without me, there would be no Clans. Here's a fun fact. With me in charge, everyone who has a brain will go so long without using it that it actually gets dusty and rusty because I act as a second brain all the time. Welp, g'night everybody!"


End file.
